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There was a church that had problems with
outsiders parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign:
CHURCH CAR PARK FOR MEMBERS ONLY
Trespassers will be baptized!
"No God - No Peace. Know God - Know Peace."
"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin Robbins."
rching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
When the restaurant next to another Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
"People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
"Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."
"How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-smoking?"
"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again." "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?"
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"Running low on faith? Step in for a fill-up."
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by." "Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go, He shows up!"
One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?" "I know a little boy exclaimed. . ."Pantyhose!"
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me Daddy. I'm under five."
The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," he replied, "we don't have to. My Mom is a good cook!"
=== Life After Death === "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir," the new employee replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."